i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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