My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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