All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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