her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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