I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
