you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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