the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
