Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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