im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
the raccoons are back...
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