So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
