Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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