when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We are two peas in an std pod
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
