Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
