So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
