She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
