i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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