You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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