is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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