My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
