I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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