If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
