seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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