so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
