I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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