You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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