You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
