My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
