I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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