some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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