So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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