I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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