There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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