i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
