so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize