i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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