just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
