You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
