3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
