Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
