I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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