my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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