You're completely useless in the revolution.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
