You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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