somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
