my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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