Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Randomize
