Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
