I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
look no pants
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
