I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
