Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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