i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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