I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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