so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just had sex bonerless
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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