I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
