I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
