i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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