i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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