she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
