Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
