I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
