Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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