fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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