how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
