It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize