Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Pooping to opera.
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